kinda happy -- kinda sad.

oh man we were living,

didn't waste one minute.

we talked, and danced and drank until we said goodbye

and laughed until we cried.

-----

one hell of a first semester of college, don't you think?

i just got home from a funeral.

my grandmother's.

i feel empty,
and the only thing that has been in my head the whole week?
Emily Dickinson.

The Bustle in a House
The Morning after Death
Is solemnest of industries
Enacted upon Earth -

The Sweeping up the Heart
And putting Love away
We shall not want to use again
Until Eternity -

who knew I retained stanzas from Dickinson?

this world is not conclusion.
a species stands beyond.
invisible - as music,

i am the result of a storm

i have never been so tired before.

i am not sleepy, no, that is not what i mean.
i am tired of running into the walls i have hit for so long.

so much is always expected of me, of people like me. and no, shut up, those of you reading this thinking "she means the popular kids."
spare me, there is no such thing.

that's the thing about reality. the only person who decides reality is the person themselves. my reality, my truths? no body else would agree. here's reality:

by 'people like me' i mean those of us who read too many books growing up, and now hold ourselves and our friends/relationships to standards that are impossible to meet. i mean those of us who stayed up late working our asses off for our GPAs, and now that it is all over, we're kind of wondering if it truly was worth it. i mean those of us who are leaving this town, this life, in search of newer or better experiences, and who are scared to death.

here's reality:

i want somebody to be a friend to me like i am a friend to my friends.
(who in some ways, never have deserved what i have given)

i want to be satisfied, and not unhappy.

most importantly,
i would like people to quit judging me, especially when they are so damn hell-bent on people not judging them.